Ch. 3: Heart (S.H.A.P.E.)

This chapter has a lot to work through so bear with me here.

1.  What drives me? 

Jon asks me this question sometimes.  My answer has typically been something along the lines of "I don't know."  So he tells me to think about it.  When I am doing something, anything - cleaning the house, editing HPC videos, cooking etc. - what makes me want to do it well?  So far the only answer I can come up with is "I want to be the best I can be."  Lame!  It's a cop-out answer and I know it. 

           Now it's time to do some real deep thinking and  be open to "the whispers of secret prayers and desires, the deep yearnings in [my] life."  I know I hear these whispers, the longing desires of doing something passionate, but then I continue on with my plan for the day.  I tell myself I will plan to think that thought again because right now is blogging time, right now is cleaning time, right now is reading time, right now is God time... The irony is that I use God as an excuse to ignore the desires He instilled in my heart. 

Okay, here's one dream: Speaking at a Women of Faith convention or the teen one - Revolution?  I know how this may sound.  Self-righteous, selfish, pompous, prideful.... If I were you I would be thinking, Seriously?  Who does she think she is?  Self-righteous bimbo! And then "click," done reading.  But the reality is I have this hope, this dream to speak into the hearts of others on a large scale.  I didn't ask for this dream.  It just is.  

When I was little I wanted to be like Harriet the Spy.  I tried it for a while, watching people at the mall, the park, writing whatever came  to my head.  

          Then I thought it would be cool to have a story like Anne Frank.  Not the hiding in the attic part but the diary part where years later people are encouraged by her. 

           The childish dream that has stuck with me, though, is being like Jo from Little Women.  I was mesmerized by the scenes where she wrote her book about her life.  That is the dream that has stuck with me.  The difference, however, is that I want my story to be one that will help others.  I never knew what that would look like.  But now, having been a single mom living on welfare going to college then getting married and going through this process of becoming a mom to child with down syndrome I can begin to see where God may take my story.  And I'm only 24.  There is much life left to be lived!  

I am taking steps every day to see where God takes this dream of mine.  I actually have a cover and title in my mind for a book about my journey through motherhood with Ciena.  I wrote it down.  That was a step.  Another step I took was opening a new blog - one that very few people know about.  The subject matter is my journey through mommy-hood and I've kept it hidden due to it's very personal nature.  But I still think it's a step.  

          I'm motivated through fear, anger, excitement and joy.  Fear and anger because when I don't know what to do with all my emotions and frustrations I write.  I write until my hand hurts.  Within that process I might throw my pen across the room.  But then I pick it back up and write some more, thankful no one was around to see me act like a child.  

           I'm motivated through excitement and joy as well and that looks a little different.  When I have success in my parent I NEED to shout it out.  I NEED to laugh and do a little dance because we had SUCCESS!!  I NEED to be able to remember those times when frustration and anger start creeping up behind me.  


2.  Who do I care about?

I am reminded of a date night from a few weeks ago.  Jon took me to Big Al's, a country bar pretty close to state line of Idaho and Washington.  It was our first time and we spent a lot of time talking about the type of crowd the bar had in between a few dances and Morgan n 7s.  

          A few drinks into our night we were watching people try riding the bull when a platinum blonde stopped to compliment my tights I was wearing under my jean skirt.  These were no ordinary tights folks. They were black and netted in a flowery design.  Totally cool and worthy of such a complement.  

          Since that interaction, though, I couldn't stop thinking about her.  Her jeans were painted on, her white halter top showed off her flat stomach nicely which was also complimented by a shiny belly button ring.  Her makeup was dark, particularly around her eyes which offset her white/blonde hair.  She was a babe.  Total hottie.  Every guy in that bar was hoping to go home with her that night.  She was looking for someone to take her home too.  

          I had never seen anyone ride the bull much less done it myself but I had been told: ride it like you would be having sex.  Awkward!  Right??? After seeing it, I understand the connection.  It is hilarious to watch!  Then Platinum Blonde got up there.  She rode that bad boy!  Every movement was aimed to be as sexual as she could possibly make it.  

          I didn't ask for the connection I felt towards her; it was incredibly painful.  My heart ached for her lost soul.  She was getting more and more drunk, doing body shots, even the way she walked was saying, "Please take me home tonight."  Then the floodgates were opened and I saw the other young women around me who were using their sexuality as best they could to get attention.  Some of them weren't so good at it - like the trio of girls who danced in a circle although it looked more like head bobbing and whispering.  Others, like Platinum Blonde, had become masters.

Now my question is: How do I reach Platinum Blonde?  How do I reach the trio of head bobbers?  How can I get involved in their lives?

I don't know the answers.  I think the next step is to start praying for these girls wherever and whenever I find them.  This week we are going dancing again for date night.  I plan to have a blast - I totally want to ride that bull!  But I also plan to keep watch for who God puts in my heart-path so I can pray - and watch.


3.  What needs will I meet? 

Spiritual Needs seem to go hand in hand with what I discussed in the paragraphs directly above.  I'm not sure that I love this, but I have a deep desire to help women who only see themselves for what the world has told them.  Of course I do feel inadequate to meet these needs in the women around me.  But what I feel does not matter.  What does matter is what God is telling me through His Word and His Spirit.   

Relational Needs also goes hand in hand with the above story as well as follow up to spiritual needs.  I think I more have a desire to connect with other girls/women than connecting them to each other.  Maybe this is an area that should be explored.  I do believe that I am working with God when I am developing relationships and sharing Truth in those relationships versus randomly starting up a conversation in a park.  

This chapter says, "...start by focusing on the needs that God and others have met in your own life."  I have mixed thoughts about this.  On one hand, I feel like these two needs I listed have not been adequately met in my life which may then be the cause of my desire to fulfill them for others.  This will take time to think about.  

4.  What cause will I help conquer?

"But if you live your life with God long enough, he will stir your heart and direct you to the cause he has personally chosen you to take on."  

The issue of sexuality and how messed up it is in our world today makes my heart beat faster.  I become indignant, unable to keep still, possibly even a little self-righteous.  My palms get all sweaty and I feel the bottom of my heart heat up in anticipation.  

I'm not sure where I can make the greatest impact for God.  I don't know if it's through Women of Faith, writing a book or being involved in women's ministry at my local church.  There is so much I don't know.  I don't even know where to start.  The only thing I am completely sure of is that right now as I type, my heart is getting really warm, my palms are a little sweaty and have a weird feeling in my gut that is streaming up towards my throat in anticipation.  It sounds like I may be on the right track here.    

5.  What dream will I fulfill? 

I've already told you my big dream.  It is definitely a possibility.  So am I willing to "exchange a life of control born out of fear for a life of risk born out of faith?"  I like my control.  But in the spectrum of things it is stupid when God has something better.  

If time weren't an issue: 

• I'd ..... I'd ....  have no idea.