Friday, November 28, 2008

There are two things I remember clear as day in the black night on highway 95. First, I remember the flashing picture of two huge doe like eyes blinded my peircing yellow rays. Second, I remember how tightly I was gripping the stearing wheel, trying to will my body to stop shaking.

Oh boy was I excited to drive all the way to Cd'A from Moscow with one of my best gal pals Maddi! Of course, it was fitting for us to be driving together since the night before we were up until one a.m. trying to be the scarier zombie.

As the sky became darker, so did my nerves.

"Maddi is my car driving weird to you?" I asked tentivly.

She said she doesn't think so, but then again, she doesn't know how my car drives.

I was quiet for a while, buy my shoulders were tense. We talked some more about random things and then about my nerves. I just couldn't shake it! There was no logical reason for me to be feeling this way.

The lights of Plummer made me feel a bit more secure. I always feel better with more light surrounding me at night.

As we left Plummer I started to speed up again to reach 60MPH. I could still see the town's lights in my riverview mirror when I struck the deer with the hood of my car.

It was one of those moments that happens in the blink of an eye. Yet looking back you can see some parts in slow motion. I wish I had seen the deer in the darkness to my right so I could have known to stop sooner. But these soft eyes seemed to appear out of nowhere.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

My heart was in my throat as horrible thoughts of deer in my window went through my head one split second.

As if in one motion my foot was breaking and my wheel was turning to the side of the road.

I was speechless for a few moments as Maddi asked if I was all right with huge, worried eyes. My body was shaking and I knew I needed the hazard lights on. After my mind was able to wrap around that task, I remembered my precious cargo in the back seat. No noise. Other than his quiet jibber jabbering. Inside I was in disbelief that my screeching exclamation didn't make him react the same.

And then I felt my entire body shake with the shock of what just happened. I gripped the steering wheel as hard as I could to steady myself. Maddi left the car with her cell phone in hand to check out the situation.

I was immovable. I tried to breathe, but my throat was stuck. It was a moment that seemed to last minutes, thought it was only seconds. I was so focused on trying to breathe I didn't notice I was crying until I felt the warm, salty tear slide down my cheek. It was an emotion I had never felt before. Stunned emotion. Emotion I couldn't quite feel even though it was showing all over my face and body.

Well, we called the cops, not knowing what else to do. Bad idea by the way. It took us FOREVER to get back on the road and now my insurance knows about the incident. There was a little damage to my bumper (which now has duct tape holding it together for the time being) and the driver's side door has a cute little dent. Both easy and relatively inexpensive fixs according to my dad.

So why did I go into such detail with my story? Well, three reasons come to mind:

1. I enjoy writing and sharing my experiences in an interesting way.

2. I would like to strengthen my creative writing skills to prepare for intermediate non-fiction creative writing class in the fall.

3. This story portrays a concept that is constantly on my mind and how I am learning to deal with this concept. The concept of:


For some reason, it's something I have pondered over ever since I was a little girl. Is that normal? Some, if entered into my mind, may say I have been obssessed over the subject, however I don't think so. I have just always contemplated what I might say, think or feel at the funeral of someone very close to me. I have also wondered what my own funeral would be like. Okay, maybe that is a little weird.

Well, I lived at my parent's house in Cd'A during almost my entire pregnancy. When the snow hit, I drove myself around as little possible because I was afraid of all the things that could happen on icy roads. That was soooo not me a year or two ago.

Since having Evan, my uneasiness with day to day things has gotten worse. Every night I fall asleep praying, asking for God's protection and telling Him over and over I know he is in control. I'm simply afraid of the dark and I'm even more afraid of a stranger creeping in and doing what you only see in the movies.

So when it comes to driving, I can tend to be a little skiddish.

A few months ago I decided I was tired of being so scared all the time. It's stupid and I know it. So I decided that after I do everything humanly possible to make things safe for me and Evan, there is nothing else do but give it up to God.

It's a hard thing to really give the different parts of my life up to God. I feel as if I am only half hearted most of the time, harboring thoughts and fears in a place that I think God can't see. But he does see. He knows my fears, my desires. Best of all, He knows what's best for me.

I am focusing on waiting on God instead of making things happen like I think they should. It's hard. The thoughts that I let infiltrate my mind seem so, so, ... RETARDED. I can't believe God even puts up with it.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


During the last weeks I have had lots of things in mind to write about, each one from a different place in my heart. However, I never got around to sitting down and writing it. So tonight, Heaven is on my heart.

Last night was the end of our Bible study and our times with the very stylish Beth Moore. The last lesson (which, of course, is the one I didn't get to) was about Heaven. The way she described it in the video was in a way that I have not thought about in a long time.

Ever since I was little, I knew in Heaven there would be no more crying, no more night. Also in my child-like mind I pictured Heaven as a humid, hot and disgusting place. I had a vision of constanly falling down and scraping my knee. It sounds kind of weird I think, but to me it made perfect sense.

Now that I'm older, I know there are other pains than just scraping your knee over and over again. We have so many illnesses, heart aches, sin.

I am so thankful to know that God sought me out all these years to bring me to this heavenly place. He truly spent years chasing after my heart. His grace and mercy is something I don't deserve, and I am thankful for it.

On the flip side, however, my heart hurts when I think of all my loved ones who push Christ away their entire lives. I can't fathom being thrown into a lake of fire. Worse, there is no escape after death.

In some ways, it seems unfair that God would do that to people with no way out. I know and believe that God gives each and every person an opportunity to accept his salvation, but to allow anyone to torment for eternity just boggles my mind.

I am so excited to meet my Lord. I am so excited to meet my brothers and sisters after we part from earth. But in my human mind, I also ache for those who I will not find there.