Monday, January 19, 2009

Does this happen to you?

Sometimes I feel like the reason I work so hard to keep on the straight and narrow is because I will let so many around me down.

I'm just wondering if this happens to anyone else out there. Maybe I'll elaborate more later.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Cherish Every Special Moment: It's God's Gift to You

Ah, one of my favorite times of my day, nap time. This may make some of you smile or laugh thinking that I enjoy the time to myself to get things done without interruption. But no, it's the moments right before naptime that I hold dear.

As we stand up from our worn, over grown chair his body forms completely against mine. His head always finds just the right place, nestled in between my cheek and shoulder and somehow he still manages the comfort of his thumb. As we walk down the short hallway I whisper, "I love you." In these moments, everything is as it should be.

When I go to lay him in his crib I always linger a few moments. I always wish I could hold him just like that forever and always. But then I remember that in an hour my body will be stiff and we will both be sweating.

So I lay him down gently, knowing that at bed time I will enjoy these moments all over again.

This is in response to my most previous blog. There are moments throughout my day that make me happy and feel fullfilled. It's these moments I have to look forward to if nothing else.

It's not to say I have an incredibly dull life. I tend to be rather busy. However I think that with this awfully depressing winter weather, school being out, friends out of town, living alone, all these factors play into the category of depression. I would say this is normal, something that I will come out of when I can see sunshine again and wear a t shirt outside.

Until then, bear with me. :) And thanks for reading.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

You better get my autograph now cuz in ten years it will be worth a lot of money!

Halleluia, grace like rain falls down on me.
Halleluia, all my sins have washed away.

What a great song. It's definitely one of my favorites. We sang it this morning during worship. This is such a visual song for me. It's a spiritual baptism. Every wrong and disgusting thing I have done is gone in God's eyes. Why is not gone from mine?

Sometimes, I am so high I could be flying. Other times, my feet feel like lead and I wonder, "What is there to look forward to?" Of course there is Heaven to look forward to. Their is falling in love, getting married, watching little Evan grow up and hopefully having more kids. But what about tomorrow? What do I have to look forward to tomorrow? I work for a couple hours. There is no school. My best friends are hours away. Evan's dad is like a ghost. At least that's how I feel. A ghost that's free. And I'm a bird in a cage, wanting to be free too.

Okay, that's an exagerated version of what is going on in my heart tonight.

Dear God,

sometimes I feel so alive and on top of the world. Why does that go away?

You know God, you have the power to make anything happen or not happen. You could have not allowed my body to become pregnant. When I became pregnant, I was already in the process of turning away from my sinful life style. You could have found another way to shake me up. Pregnancy should not have been needed.

God, I know you know what you're doing up there. But sometimes I just want to scream, stomp my feet and wave my arms wildly like a little kid having a tantrum. I can't wait for ten years to go by and be able to look back and shake my head at where I am today. Or maybe I'll be able to write a best seller (hint hint).

Just get me through tomorrow, Lord. Get me through with a grateful and content heart that is seeking you in everything.


Thursday, January 1, 2009

Luck? Coincidence? Prayer and Purpose?

I don't believe in luck. I don't believe in coincidence. I do believe in prayer. I do believe in God's purpose for circumstances when I walk by his side.

Sometimes it's hard to know though. I wonder often if my small, seemingly meanial daily decisions are affectecting my life for the better or worse.

Sometimes, God seems so very far away. However I do know he is always with me. "I will never leave you or abandon you." (hebrews 13:5 I believe)

Yes, this may be the shortest blog I will ever write. Then again, maybe not. :)