Sunday, January 4, 2009

You better get my autograph now cuz in ten years it will be worth a lot of money!

Halleluia, grace like rain falls down on me.
Halleluia, all my sins have washed away.

What a great song. It's definitely one of my favorites. We sang it this morning during worship. This is such a visual song for me. It's a spiritual baptism. Every wrong and disgusting thing I have done is gone in God's eyes. Why is not gone from mine?

Sometimes, I am so high I could be flying. Other times, my feet feel like lead and I wonder, "What is there to look forward to?" Of course there is Heaven to look forward to. Their is falling in love, getting married, watching little Evan grow up and hopefully having more kids. But what about tomorrow? What do I have to look forward to tomorrow? I work for a couple hours. There is no school. My best friends are hours away. Evan's dad is like a ghost. At least that's how I feel. A ghost that's free. And I'm a bird in a cage, wanting to be free too.

Okay, that's an exagerated version of what is going on in my heart tonight.

Dear God,

sometimes I feel so alive and on top of the world. Why does that go away?

You know God, you have the power to make anything happen or not happen. You could have not allowed my body to become pregnant. When I became pregnant, I was already in the process of turning away from my sinful life style. You could have found another way to shake me up. Pregnancy should not have been needed.

God, I know you know what you're doing up there. But sometimes I just want to scream, stomp my feet and wave my arms wildly like a little kid having a tantrum. I can't wait for ten years to go by and be able to look back and shake my head at where I am today. Or maybe I'll be able to write a best seller (hint hint).

Just get me through tomorrow, Lord. Get me through with a grateful and content heart that is seeking you in everything.


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