Which brings me to what has been on my heart these last weeks since I've posted. First of all, I have been learning to be content with where I am right now. Learning may not be the best word because I'm not sure I've "learned" at all. It's more of a mindset I think. God knew I would be here, in Moscow, single and sharing my two-year old with his dad. Because God knew that, He planned for it. I just don't know what the plan is. For a while I nursed dreams of doing something great and exotic with my life so that I could not be tied down in Moscow or even in Coeur d'Alene. However the truth of the matter is I can serve God wherever I am at, and that's what matters. Now that's not to say I've given up on life. I've simply begun the process of giving God my dreams and desires. This sort of brings me to my text topic of conversation.
I've been struggling with my ideas of who Jesus is, how I can life my life to glorify Him, and why I want to spend my life searching for truths that I may never fully understand. Phew! That felt like a lot to say in one sentence. Let's take it apart piece by piece.
Who is Jesus? A friend gave me some support money for my trip to Costa Rica not because she supports the organization I am going under, but because she supports me. (For those of you who don't know I am leaving on Saturday with other students and staff with Campus Crusade for Christ for a trip to San Jose, Costa Rica.) I found this very interesting and tried to probe more out of her. I didn't understand how she could support me, a Christian, but not the Christian organization itself? What she said was she doesn't like how Campus Crusade goes about their mission work. This made me even more curious but we didn't talk much past that. She said faith is a journey and she wants to support me in my journey. I really appreciated her support and faith in me, but I went home deep in thought. I had to re-work my faith, the basis of who I am. The conclusion I came back to was that Jesus did indeed come from Heaven to become the perfect human. This happened a long time ago, but He's alive in the hearts of His people. Jesus did die on the cross for my sins, all of them. And that is why I worship Him.
So now how do I live my day to day life to the Glory of Christ? It sounds simple to me in theory, but in actuality it's so much harder. I feel like I know every "do" and "don't" which causes me to have very high expectations out of myself. When I feel like I stumble, I turn into a failure and don't feel like I can go on in faith. I have struggled with the same sins for years and to this day they won't go away. Every day I have to wake up in the morning and say, "Lord, I give this day to you." However it's rare for me to actually do that. Therefore, I fail. Then as I go throughout my day I find myself very frustrated and lash out on those I love. Well, once again I'm a failure because I'm not giving my frustrations to God like I'm supposed to. Oh, yes, then there are those bad words that aren't supposed to be said in church right? Well sometimes it feels really good to swear really loudly (when no one is around of course). But then I have to deal with the guilt because I said a "bad word." It's all the nitty gritty stuff that gets me down.
I know a relationship with God is about the state of the heart, and if I had a pure heart, it would come through in my actions. Sometimes I think I just get tired of trying. And here is the last statement I made earlier: Why do I want to spend my life searching for truths I may never find the answers to?
I think this sums up my struggles as a whole. It correlates directly with my friend who supports me but not Campus Crusade. It relates to my idea of how to have a relationship with Jesus. There are some aspects of life and humanity that I will never completely understand until I get to Heaven. That's okay. But what about the day to day stuff I just finished talking about? I don't like feeling "high on God" or "high on religion" because I know that when things get tough again, I'll lose that "high." It's almost like it's superficial religion on the edge of burn out. So once again I find myself questioning the truths I have grown up with. A friend described my view of Christianity and the world as very closed off and boxed in. Maybe he's right. Maybe he's not. I don't freaking know. I'm just trying to life my life the best I can. Every time I get this way, though, I come back to the basic truths I hold in my heart. Jesus did come and die on the cross, that is why I choose to serve Him. I wish I didn't forget so easily. I wish I could understand God's love more so that I wouldn't feel so ashamed to come to Him in times of trouble and sin.