Saturday, February 6, 2010

Productive or Not? Tell Me What YOU Think!

I've been struggling with what to write as my post for this month of February. It's not that I have something very profound or life changing to share although I feel like I should.

I just finished meditating on God's Grace and it was very hard for me to sit still, be quiet, and not get sidetracked with thoughts of all I need to be doing. So far I have gotten very little homework done this weekend which is stressful to me because these are my main homework days. However I'm also accomplishing things. I'm developing and nurturing friendships, I'm getting bills and finances taken care of, I'm getting my house cleaned, I'm making meals, I'm spending time with Jesus Christ. The latter is the most important accomplishment and alongside that is the relationships with other people. They go hand in hand. Thus, I am being productive in a way that will impact more than just the upcoming week.

I've been thinking a lot about internships, jobs and graduation the past few weeks. Where to go? What to do? How to do it? Does it really matter? In all honesty, I don't have huge aspirations when I think about getting a job in the real world. I think sometimes this thinking is out of fear because I don't have enough faith in myself. But then I get inspired by Focus on the Family or a friend who is following God or an opportunity for overseas missions. My pulse quickens and my mind sharpens as my ears perk up. I know I can serve God from anywhere doing anything, but I don't want to just be "anywhere" doing "anything." I want to do something great and worthwhile that will change lives and further God's kingdom. But how can I do that when I'm so insecure in my faith as it is?

Maybe my insecurities come from an unwillingness to face the person I should/need to be. That's a hard pill to swallow. It's so easy to sit around licking my wounds pondering all the horrible things then getting up to do something worthwhile based on my personal convictions. Maybe I'm afraid of what will happen if I actually get an internship - regardless of where it is or how long it is. Maybe I'm afraid that life will not be so easy and I'm going to face hard obstacles. And - oh my goodness - I might even cry and want to give up when things get hard. But that any different than now? Hmmm Let's move on shall we?

Like I said, I have no profound insights to share at this time. I am simply attempting to hold myself accountable to me, to God and to my friends. There are some incredibly large blank spots between dates in the many journals I have kept over the years. I have found that when I quit journaling/blogging - I am in the midst of battle and am probably losing. I'm very happy sharing what's going with my life when I'm feeling good about it. However when I start making wrong decisions, I stop wanting to confront the issue of where my heart is at. And that's the real danger. Writing/journaling keeps me very in tune with the inner workings of ME. When I don't want to deal with that, I don't write about it, only think about it after massive amounts of alcohol. But this conversation is for a different time....

Thanks for reading. :)

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