Monday, April 23, 2012

Discovering My S.H.A.P.E.

Chapter 1: Masterpiece

God had complete confidence in my ability when he created me and he has complete confidence in my ability today.  He speaks highly of me.  He designed me with passions, desires, thoughts, personalities and emotions which all work together to great one masterpiece - His words, not mine.

I know these verses well.  But do I really?  Maybe if I heart-understood instead of head-understood I wouldn't lack confidence in my own ability.  Whether it's my marriage, my kids, my athletic ability, my inner creativity, my relationships with friends and family, I lack confidence.  Reading words isn't enough anymore.  I'm a grown woman and still harboring insecurities dating back to the 90's. It's time to start believing the words in my heart by allowing the Holy Spirit to have the time to speak to my soul each day.  I will soak it in, meditate, learn to see myself as the person God designed me to be.

For a lot of my life I allowed stickers to be put all over me and decided that since it stuck, it must be so.  "Dumb blonde," "ditzy," "airhead," "sex object," "crazy," "wild," "stupid," "slut," "hyper," "social butterfly," "leader," "motivated," "stubborn," "weird," "lost cause," "pretty," I could probably go on like this for a long time.  What I didn't know for a long time is that I have power over what stickers I choose to  define myself by.  During the past 12 months I have been able to peel away some of those unwanted stickers.  But they had been there so long that they left a scar which God is graciously helping me heal.

I am an individual.  I am unique.  I love to break out in song and dance in the middle of making breakfast or throw a rock concert in the shower.  I think bodily functions are funny - until it smells.  I don't like bugs or snails or spiders and I run away from bees.  My favorite part of the day is when I find myself in a perfect moment.  I struggle to finish projects but I love getting them started.  I am a hot head and speak my mind at inappropriate times.  I hold my friends to high standards and my family and mentors to a higher standard.  I try to control my environment and strive for perfection.  I like shopping but I don't like giving to charity.  I want to adopt my step-daughter but I'm not sure that I even like her.  I like reading books about the Bible but get bored of the Bible itself more often then not.  I am told I have good skills with video editing, writing and planning activities.  Sometimes I see this, sometimes not.  All this to say, I am an individual.  I am unique.  What I do with all my gifts, skills, passions and desires is my gift to God.

Today I discovered that my masterpiece is "A Fragmented Kingdom Purpose" which reads:

"Based on your answers, your God-honoring purpose seems cluttered.  Your strengths are somewhat confused due to the fact that you are overextended in many areas of your life - something we can all relate to.  There are times when you feel you are using your gifts for God's glory, but there also are issues, emotions, and desires in your life that you still need to surrender to God in order to live the life he has in store for you.  Your accountability to others may not be as consistent as God - or you - would like.  You desire to invest in others, but have not committed the time.  You ave a few goals in place, but no master plan to ensure your purpose for God is completed.  The result is intermittent fulfillment.  You occasionally feel ou are living the life you were created for, but you long for greater clarity."

This pretty much is true on all counts.

A potter has the ability to squash the piece he is working on if it's not coming together how he wants.  In Jeremiah 18 God says he would like to do just that with the Israelites who were not conforming to God's will.  I am glad God doesn't treat me like a lump of clay which he can destroy when I become stiff-necked.  Instead, I am in His hand being molded into a masterpiece.

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