Thursday, January 13, 2011

God, You Must Do Your Part

I didn't expect the tears. I watched a few tv shows, did some cross stitch, had dessert and a beer or two. The usual routine before bed. On my way upstairs to the bathroom I sometimes like to check on Evan and see how he's doing. Like any other mom, I adore watching him when he sleeps. Tonight, I noticed he had moved a head down from his pillow and his pajama pant legs were rolled up to his knees. I picked up the blanket to cover him fully as he scrunched himself into a tight ball while holding a closed seal around his thumb. I have been finding subtle similarities between Evan and I lately. Tonight, it was in the way he sleeps. That same ball is the one I curl up in over and over again in the night.

I did my bathroom thing and was immediately in bed ready for a night of bliss so I could wake up and see what the weekend would hold. However my heart wasn't quite ready to let go of what was in the room a few feet from mine. It's as if the older he gets, the more I want to hold on. It seems like it was just a few months ago he was a tiny baby in my arms who didn't do much other than poop, sleep and eat (probably in that order). But now he is just about to turn three. His head is so big it seems he can't always control it yet his legs and torso remain closer to the ground and he gets mistaken for a new two year old more often than not. But God has made him sweet. Evan's heart is tender and he can be quite bashful when meeting new people. At other times he's a clown, the life of the party and sometimes downright bossy.

As I was going over all this surrounded by the quiet darkness of my room, my chest began to swell and my eyes burned. I don't want to give him up tomorrow. I hate having to share him. Not to say his dad is a bad guy. He's a very good guy and he loves Evan tremendously. But I wish different things for my firstborn son. I don't know what it's like to have to jump between two families and neither does his dad. Doubling up on everything is all Evan will ever know.

I told Evan tonight, before bed, that I thank God every day for him because God gave him to me. I truly believe that. However Evan is still going to have to live with my past sins for the rest of his life. By this time the tears were flowing freely and I knew I needed to let God in on this. I'm so sad. Selfishly I'm sad for me. But more, I'm sad for him. In that moment I knew God was sharing my pain. He feels it too because Evan is close to his heart as we all are in individual ways. You love him, Lord. And you must take care of him. You have to do your part. I will do the best I can to raise him right. But you have to do your part too.

I know God doesn't need me telling Him what to do. But I had to let it out. I want Evan to be happy and healthy. I don't want him to resent anyone for his upbringing. I vowed when Evan was a baby to raise him with values that follow God. And I will. I do. But the small fear remains. What if he doesn't say yes?

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