A Slight Miscalculation of the Feet

I fell off the balance beam. The strange thing is that it didn't even hurt. I stood up, brushed myself off and looked around. The view down here is so different from up there! So I decided to hang out. I had some fun in this new environment. It was so strange not to feel any remorse for having fallen off, not feeling any pain from hitting the earth.

Now I can see the scrapes on my knees and the dirt is visible on my hands. I know it should hurt, even just a little bit. But since it doesn't hurt, I know that something is wrong. I realize I need to figure out how to get back on top of the balance beam to continue my dance.


That was all an analogy of the reality of what I have been going through the past few weeks. I hope it makes sense. :)

Does this happen to you?

Sometimes I feel like the reason I work so hard to keep on the straight and narrow is because I will let so many around me down.

I'm just wondering if this happens to anyone else out there. Maybe I'll elaborate more later.

Cherish Every Special Moment: It's God's Gift to You

Ah, one of my favorite times of my day, nap time. This may make some of you smile or laugh thinking that I enjoy the time to myself to get things done without interruption. But no, it's the moments right before naptime that I hold dear.

As we stand up from our worn, over grown chair his body forms completely against mine. His head always finds just the right place, nestled in between my cheek and shoulder and somehow he still manages the comfort of his thumb. As we walk down the short hallway I whisper, "I love you." In these moments, everything is as it should be.

When I go to lay him in his crib I always linger a few moments. I always wish I could hold him just like that forever and always. But then I remember that in an hour my body will be stiff and we will both be sweating.

So I lay him down gently, knowing that at bed time I will enjoy these moments all over again.


This is in response to my most previous blog. There are moments throughout my day that make me happy and feel fullfilled. It's these moments I have to look forward to if nothing else.

It's not to say I have an incredibly dull life. I tend to be rather busy. However I think that with this awfully depressing winter weather, school being out, friends out of town, living alone, all these factors play into the category of depression. I would say this is normal, something that I will come out of when I can see sunshine again and wear a t shirt outside.

Until then, bear with me. :) And thanks for reading.

You better get my autograph now cuz in ten years it will be worth a lot of money!

Halleluia, grace like rain falls down on me.
Halleluia, all my sins have washed away.

What a great song. It's definitely one of my favorites. We sang it this morning during worship. This is such a visual song for me. It's a spiritual baptism. Every wrong and disgusting thing I have done is gone in God's eyes. Why is not gone from mine?

Sometimes, I am so high I could be flying. Other times, my feet feel like lead and I wonder, "What is there to look forward to?" Of course there is Heaven to look forward to. Their is falling in love, getting married, watching little Evan grow up and hopefully having more kids. But what about tomorrow? What do I have to look forward to tomorrow? I work for a couple hours. There is no school. My best friends are hours away. Evan's dad is like a ghost. At least that's how I feel. A ghost that's free. And I'm a bird in a cage, wanting to be free too.

Okay, that's an exagerated version of what is going on in my heart tonight.

Dear God,

sometimes I feel so alive and on top of the world. Why does that go away?

You know God, you have the power to make anything happen or not happen. You could have not allowed my body to become pregnant. When I became pregnant, I was already in the process of turning away from my sinful life style. You could have found another way to shake me up. Pregnancy should not have been needed.

God, I know you know what you're doing up there. But sometimes I just want to scream, stomp my feet and wave my arms wildly like a little kid having a tantrum. I can't wait for ten years to go by and be able to look back and shake my head at where I am today. Or maybe I'll be able to write a best seller (hint hint).

Just get me through tomorrow, Lord. Get me through with a grateful and content heart that is seeking you in everything.

Amen.

Luck? Coincidence? Prayer and Purpose?

I don't believe in luck. I don't believe in coincidence. I do believe in prayer. I do believe in God's purpose for circumstances when I walk by his side.

Sometimes it's hard to know though. I wonder often if my small, seemingly meanial daily decisions are affectecting my life for the better or worse.

Sometimes, God seems so very far away. However I do know he is always with me. "I will never leave you or abandon you." (hebrews 13:5 I believe)

Yes, this may be the shortest blog I will ever write. Then again, maybe not. :)

What is God's will for my life?

Man oh man. You think you know what which road to take and Wha-Bam! There's yet another fork and you have a decision to make.

Sometimes I don't know what that right decision is. I can pray and pray and then pray some more. But in the end, where does that leave me? I do feel an inner peace at times knowing that I'm allowing God to be at work in my life. But what if I'm only fooling myself? What if I'm supposed to hang on to a past relationship? What if I'm supposed to completely let go of it? When is it too soon to move on? Is there even a "right" time?

"Let go and let God."

That's a phrase I have heard a lot and it's one I use a lot in my own life. But what does that mean really? Let go and let God? Some might scoff at that phrase thinking that as Christians we must just sit around all day waiting for God to live our lives for us. I don't think that's what it means.

Let go and let God. Hmmmm...I suppose it's just allowing Christ to infiltrate my life; allowing him to be everywhere.

I'd like to think that sometimes my thoughts and feelings are given by God, that's why I am feeling them. But I know that may or may not be the case. I am a human sinner after all.

The bottom line is I don't want to entertain certain ideals of how my life should be or where it should be going if it's wrong. The problem is, I can't seem to help myself!

This is all very frustrating to me. I think I really hate the feeling of being left in the dark. But maybe this is what it means to "Let go and Let God."

There are two things I remember clear as day in the black night on highway 95. First, I remember the flashing picture of two huge doe like eyes blinded my peircing yellow rays. Second, I remember how tightly I was gripping the stearing wheel, trying to will my body to stop shaking.


Oh boy was I excited to drive all the way to Cd'A from Moscow with one of my best gal pals Maddi! Of course, it was fitting for us to be driving together since the night before we were up until one a.m. trying to be the scarier zombie.

As the sky became darker, so did my nerves.

"Maddi is my car driving weird to you?" I asked tentivly.

She said she doesn't think so, but then again, she doesn't know how my car drives.

I was quiet for a while, buy my shoulders were tense. We talked some more about random things and then about my nerves. I just couldn't shake it! There was no logical reason for me to be feeling this way.

The lights of Plummer made me feel a bit more secure. I always feel better with more light surrounding me at night.

As we left Plummer I started to speed up again to reach 60MPH. I could still see the town's lights in my riverview mirror when I struck the deer with the hood of my car.

It was one of those moments that happens in the blink of an eye. Yet looking back you can see some parts in slow motion. I wish I had seen the deer in the darkness to my right so I could have known to stop sooner. But these soft eyes seemed to appear out of nowhere.

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

My heart was in my throat as horrible thoughts of deer in my window went through my head one split second.

As if in one motion my foot was breaking and my wheel was turning to the side of the road.

I was speechless for a few moments as Maddi asked if I was all right with huge, worried eyes. My body was shaking and I knew I needed the hazard lights on. After my mind was able to wrap around that task, I remembered my precious cargo in the back seat. No noise. Other than his quiet jibber jabbering. Inside I was in disbelief that my screeching exclamation didn't make him react the same.

And then I felt my entire body shake with the shock of what just happened. I gripped the steering wheel as hard as I could to steady myself. Maddi left the car with her cell phone in hand to check out the situation.

I was immovable. I tried to breathe, but my throat was stuck. It was a moment that seemed to last minutes, thought it was only seconds. I was so focused on trying to breathe I didn't notice I was crying until I felt the warm, salty tear slide down my cheek. It was an emotion I had never felt before. Stunned emotion. Emotion I couldn't quite feel even though it was showing all over my face and body.


Well, we called the cops, not knowing what else to do. Bad idea by the way. It took us FOREVER to get back on the road and now my insurance knows about the incident. There was a little damage to my bumper (which now has duct tape holding it together for the time being) and the driver's side door has a cute little dent. Both easy and relatively inexpensive fixs according to my dad.

So why did I go into such detail with my story? Well, three reasons come to mind:

1. I enjoy writing and sharing my experiences in an interesting way.

2. I would like to strengthen my creative writing skills to prepare for intermediate non-fiction creative writing class in the fall.

3. This story portrays a concept that is constantly on my mind and how I am learning to deal with this concept. The concept of:

Death

For some reason, it's something I have pondered over ever since I was a little girl. Is that normal? Some, if entered into my mind, may say I have been obssessed over the subject, however I don't think so. I have just always contemplated what I might say, think or feel at the funeral of someone very close to me. I have also wondered what my own funeral would be like. Okay, maybe that is a little weird.


Well, I lived at my parent's house in Cd'A during almost my entire pregnancy. When the snow hit, I drove myself around as little possible because I was afraid of all the things that could happen on icy roads. That was soooo not me a year or two ago.

Since having Evan, my uneasiness with day to day things has gotten worse. Every night I fall asleep praying, asking for God's protection and telling Him over and over I know he is in control. I'm simply afraid of the dark and I'm even more afraid of a stranger creeping in and doing what you only see in the movies.

So when it comes to driving, I can tend to be a little skiddish.

A few months ago I decided I was tired of being so scared all the time. It's stupid and I know it. So I decided that after I do everything humanly possible to make things safe for me and Evan, there is nothing else do but give it up to God.

It's a hard thing to really give the different parts of my life up to God. I feel as if I am only half hearted most of the time, harboring thoughts and fears in a place that I think God can't see. But he does see. He knows my fears, my desires. Best of all, He knows what's best for me.

I am focusing on waiting on God instead of making things happen like I think they should. It's hard. The thoughts that I let infiltrate my mind seem so, so, ... RETARDED. I can't believe God even puts up with it.